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March 3rd, 2011


First of all, I must say something.


Just wow.

I have not posted or written in a journal since 2007? Now, in the year 2011, I am back. In my last post, I spoke of a new job. I wrote about moving back to Pennsylvania. So much has happened since then. Zachery is now 7 years old. Yes, 7 years old. He has also been diagnosed with ADHD, has an IEP with his school district and takes Concerta to control the symptoms. About a year and a half ago I was diagnosed with Narcolepsy. That job I wrote about? I am still working there. Almost 5 years now I'll have worked there. I've only had a dollar raise and that was when I was hired on full time.

The reason that I have brought back my journal is because of stress. I worry about everything. I know that I suffer from anxiety. It has already begun to affect my health. So as I always do, I decided to research methods and ways to reduce stress. One that is recommended the most is to write in a diary or journal each night. My logic is, what can it hurt? What is there to lose?

So this is the first night. Today I tried not to get frustrated. I even tried to make sure that I ate. I feel like I got a bit more accomplished at work today but I still felt rushed. There are so many deadlines ahead of me and I just don't know how I'm going to get all of the work done. My greatest fear is losing my job. My second is being reprimanded for anything. The smallest issue comes up and I'm ready to break down. I stumble writing the emails to bring up the issues to my superiors. I'm struggling also with responsibility. It's a daily struggle at work and I feel that I have so little confidence in myself. Not just in my work but in appearance as well. Just in me in general. I don't talk to anyone about how I feel either so it does just build up. I think a large reason why I don't talk to anyone about how I feel is because I feel stupid. Partly ashamed as well that I even feel this way.

I've re-wired myself when it came to biting my nails. I kicked the habit. I did it again to quit smoking. Yeah, I used Chantix for a month but for most of it the quitting was on me. If I was able to do that, why can't I get myself to relax? I am so tense at work. I do it without realizing it. When I realize it I force myself to relax but five minutes later, it happens again. I have to say my largest worry are the finances. We always manage to get through the rough spots. We always figure something out. So why can't I just leave it at that? Why do I have to over analyze it? We have a 1200 dollar electric bill. Everything in the economy is getting more expensive and costly but the paychecks aren't increasing. Zachery had a good score today though and James and I were able to chat for about 5 minutes before he went off to work again. I loved those quick five minutes but they made my day. I'm also starting to feel better about myself at home now that I am doing the chores and all.

I just want to relax.

Maybe one day.

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