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Stress

First of all, I must say something.

Wow.

Just wow.

I have not posted or written in a journal since 2007? Now, in the year 2011, I am back. In my last post, I spoke of a new job. I wrote about moving back to Pennsylvania. So much has happened since then. Zachery is now 7 years old. Yes, 7 years old. He has also been diagnosed with ADHD, has an IEP with his school district and takes Concerta to control the symptoms. About a year and a half ago I was diagnosed with Narcolepsy. That job I wrote about? I am still working there. Almost 5 years now I'll have worked there. I've only had a dollar raise and that was when I was hired on full time.

The reason that I have brought back my journal is because of stress. I worry about everything. I know that I suffer from anxiety. It has already begun to affect my health. So as I always do, I decided to research methods and ways to reduce stress. One that is recommended the most is to write in a diary or journal each night. My logic is, what can it hurt? What is there to lose?

So this is the first night. Today I tried not to get frustrated. I even tried to make sure that I ate. I feel like I got a bit more accomplished at work today but I still felt rushed. There are so many deadlines ahead of me and I just don't know how I'm going to get all of the work done. My greatest fear is losing my job. My second is being reprimanded for anything. The smallest issue comes up and I'm ready to break down. I stumble writing the emails to bring up the issues to my superiors. I'm struggling also with responsibility. It's a daily struggle at work and I feel that I have so little confidence in myself. Not just in my work but in appearance as well. Just in me in general. I don't talk to anyone about how I feel either so it does just build up. I think a large reason why I don't talk to anyone about how I feel is because I feel stupid. Partly ashamed as well that I even feel this way.

I've re-wired myself when it came to biting my nails. I kicked the habit. I did it again to quit smoking. Yeah, I used Chantix for a month but for most of it the quitting was on me. If I was able to do that, why can't I get myself to relax? I am so tense at work. I do it without realizing it. When I realize it I force myself to relax but five minutes later, it happens again. I have to say my largest worry are the finances. We always manage to get through the rough spots. We always figure something out. So why can't I just leave it at that? Why do I have to over analyze it? We have a 1200 dollar electric bill. Everything in the economy is getting more expensive and costly but the paychecks aren't increasing. Zachery had a good score today though and James and I were able to chat for about 5 minutes before he went off to work again. I loved those quick five minutes but they made my day. I'm also starting to feel better about myself at home now that I am doing the chores and all.

I just want to relax.

Maybe one day.

Back in PA

Well I'm back in Pennsylvania. It's not easy. Money is tight. Finding a job and childcare that won't kill us financially has been stressing us pretty bad. But, we're getting through it. Down in El Paso, it was so easy to drop Zach off at daycare and go to work. My job was only 5 minutes up the same road I lived off of. Here though, I have to drive for an hour through morning rush hour traffic to work in King of Prussia. If you don't know, King of Prussia is hell. So I have to wake up at least a hour and 45 minutes before my shift to get ready, get Stinky ready, drop him off and sit through traffic. Then I have to do it all the way back home through after work rush hour only reversed. By the time I get home, I'll be exhausted but then I have to take care of Stinky, cook dinner for my room mates and my family. My relaxation time comes when Stinky goes to bed at 8, with which I have to be in bed 2-3 hours later to start the process over again. But it's necessary. Absolutely. James can't support us on our own. But the job pays 14 bucks an hour with plenty of room for promotion and pay increase. It's for OmniCare health so the benefits are great. Soon enough, in April, James can work at home rather then on the road. I hope it all works out. Wish me luck. I start it all on Monday.

Moving

Moving. As the title says. Where to? Well back to Pennsylvania. We're not to happy down here. So we're moving back to Phoenixville with our good buddy Andy until we can get a house of our own. A shame we blew our credit to hell and back but we're working on getting it back on track so we can qualify for a decent mortgage. I miss PA. To much to put into words. Down here...ugh. There's nothing for us down here except for my Dad and sisters but hell, my Dad moves to North Carolina sometime next year so he won't be all that far away. Looking forward to being home again. A year and a half away has been a year and a half to long. Cheers.

Cass

Holy shit I exist...

Know what? I'll post. Sure. Why not. It's been what, months since my last post? Sure has. 

What's going on you ask?

Nothing.

My life...has not changed.

Zachery is now three years old. Can you believe that? Three fucking years old already. And everything I expected a terror on two legs to be. Absolutely adorable.

James...is just James. My love, of course. We're going on two years of marriage. Four years of being together total. Quite an accomplishment. And we are still happy. I give it a few more years before we contemplate divorce. He's sleeping beside me on the floor right now. Poor guy. Strep throat snuck up on him to. A gift from son to mother and mother to father. Wonder how that happened. :o

We move again in six weeks. To Dallas. I start driving school whenever I decide to get off my skinny ass. Oh the joy of school...again.

Is it wrong to think back on everyone else when I am so happy with James now? Like, ex-boyfriends. Ex-friends. People I used to know. Used to be close to that I don't talk to anymore. I always wonder what would happen if I tried to contact them again. Would it be an awkward conversation? Would it just be...awkward period? It's not like I would ever see them again. Just, online contact or a phone call. Yes, I'm that lonely when James isn't home. Hm. I think about just doing that alot. Just contacting some one that way. But in the end I always chicken out, using the thought that they could care less and probably don't even remember my first name as my solid excuse. Works every damn time to.

Maybe one day I'll pop out a meager earth shattering hello. Blast myself from the past on some one. But I miss them. And I do think about them. More often then I want to. Amanda for instance. Rivera, not Johnson as Johnson and I are tight. We were friends for what, thirteen years? High school ends and she drops us, in a gradual sense of course. You'd think she'd have at least made an effort to meet my son? Nope. I tried though. I tried. Makes me wonder what it would be like to just bump into her at Wal-mart or the grocery store when I'm up visiting or something. 

To much speculation. To many memories. And it's all I think about when James isn't here, which is alot. Meh. So that's my update. Yeah, length. You'll live. Only a couple minutes of your life has been wasted. Sure you coulda been clogging your toilet or some shit during those minutes but...hey. Get over it.
I got bored so I played around with my journal a bit. Gave it a new look. Yes, that graphic is mine. Yes, I editted, manipulated and animated that graphic. ^.^ Skillz. Kind of. Peace.

Aug. 3rd, 2006












Ya know what? I'm bored. Sue me.

Jul. 23rd, 2006

Contact Information:

Divineblckrose@aol.com [Or AIM]

exotic_crimson_rose@hotmail.com [MSN Messanger]

morbid_divinity@yahoo.com [Yahoo Messanger]

I use all of them frequently. Chances are, you'll see me online.
Hm. Another long time since I updated this damn thing. As some of you can probably tell, I am not joining the Air Force. I couldn't stand being away from Zachery that long. James and I buy our first house in November or December. Seems like we are going to become permanent El Paso residents until we can afford to move back north. It's really not all that bad down here. The weather is beautiful but fuck I miss everyone up north. I'll be coming to visit soon. I promise. 



And I leave you with a photo. Peace bitches.

Update

Applying for jobs. May get one.

Living in El Paso, TX.

I miss PA like the little bitch I am.

Nothing else new really.

I don't really use this thing anymore. I can be found on Myspace so if you have a myspace account, add me bitches.

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=3217606

That's all.
What up bitches!

Bambaby.jpg

Picture104.jpg


Picture114.jpg

I'm into the whole lets take some odd angle pictures. Not the greatest, but love it. Be lucky I even posted these damn things. Oh yes, I am that lazy. Still...nothing new. I live in El Paso, Texas now. Yes, I moved. Whoopy fucking doo. Anyway. Miss you all and I am still alive. -smooches-

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